The battle between becoming more of who you are and who you want to become

In the verge of a new year, it is common that we look back on the year behind us to set our goals for the new year.

“What can I improve upon to become a better version of myself?

We ask.

But is that really going to lead into a life where we are staying true to who we are or into a life that we think would make us happy? One that we think we should have?

The difference between self-discovery and self-improvement

“The world will ask who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.” - Carl Jung

Self improvement is about looking into the future and asking: “Who do I want to become? What do I want to feel more off or feel less off?” About seeing our limitations and changing ourselves toward the better. These are often heavily colored by external expectations or societal pressure.

Whereas self-disovery is about focusing on the present moment. About asking: “Who am I? Where did I come from and how did it shape me into the person that I am now?” It is about gaining clarity and acceptance toward our current reality that is shaped by our past experiences, our strengths and limitations, values and habits allowing us to create changes that align with our authentic selves.

These two are not opposites, but without having worked on discovering who we truly are it is hard to set goals that truly align with our authentic selves, our morals and values as well as our natural strengths and limitations.

What does a true “yes” feel like?

Many people in today’s hectic world live a life fully disconnected from their own inner experience whether it was driven by traumatic experiences, on-going chronic stress or due to their natural sensitivity towards sensory triggers which are hard to avoid or limit in the world that we live in. But being disconnected from our own inner world makes it hard for us to navigate between external expectations (society, people around us, social media) and our own desires (values, intuition). Long term this misalignment can create internal tension, lack of motivation or the sense of real purpose or physical symptoms like so often seen with many “syndromes” and bodily pains without a clear physical cause.

Before we say “yes” to a new opportunity or a goal, it is good to practice awareness into our internal experience and reflect whether that “yes” is a real felt “yes” or a “yes” to the opportunity while saying “no” to some parts of ourselves.

Bodily sensations - Notice what you might be experiencing in your physical body as you ponder with the thought of what saying “yes” would mean?

Vocalize your experience - Sensing is one part of the process, making sense of your experience and putting words to it is what allows for a more integrative experience.

Be curious without placing judgement or trying to think what you “should” be experiencing: "Does this experience feel supportive or draining?" "Am I feeling excitement or fear?"

Becoming more in tune with and/or allowing more space for our true internal experience, allows us to make choices that are better aligned with our authentic self, strengths and limitations and core values and not just external pressure. Especially for those who have the tendency to over-commit and over-do things, reconnecting with your internal experience helps you recognize when you're committing beyond your actual capacity or saying yes out of obligation while saying “no” to your physical boundaries leading into a burnout or a repeated burnout, physical symptoms or syndromes.

Saying “yes” when your physiology is actually saying “no” is likely to trigger emotional resistance or resentment, which may later show up as physical symptoms or have negative consequences on our health due to the prolonged elevation of the stress hormones such as cortisol, adrenaline.